2009/Feb/21

FUCKKKK!!!!

shit thing happened all da time

why only with me??

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

2008/Dec/03

 

 

Did you see the moon smile last night?
there was really beautiful,,Jupiter and Venus come on the top,
thas seem like Mr.Moon is smiling...

Australia which is the country is very close to the sky,
everyday when i walk back home,
i always look at the sky and make a wish,

when i first come here everyday i wish im happy everyday,,
i wish my parent and ppl i love feel happy too,,

i usually like look at the sky and make a wish,,
while i walk back home...

"Mr.Moon and the star,please let me and ppl i love feel happy everyday"

when i was falling in love with someone everyday i make a wish,,

"Mr.Moon and the star could u please let him like me just a bit >.<"

i dont know if that work,,but we are good friend now,,
and i dont like him anymore as a guys,,

and when i got boyfriend im very happy,,everyday i make a wish,,

"Mr.Moon,could you please let this happy with me forever"

"Mr.Moon,i wish this love forever"

"Mr.Moon,i wish he could be like this forever"

"i wish i could have him
with me forever"

Eventually,,when he become changed,,everyday i make a wish,,

"Mr.Moon, i wish he could be the same"
"Mr.Moon, i wish he wont make me cry anymore"
"Mr.Moon, i wish he could feel what i have done for him"
"Mr.Moon, i wish he would love me like i did"
"Mr.Moon, could you please let him love me only half that i love him is enough"
"Mr.Moon,i wish he could be like before
"

Everyday always like this nearly half years,,
how many times i walk back home look at the sky and crying,,

i dont know why only love from him,
do i need to asked from the moon or the star?,,
and the result is nothing...

till these day i still be the same,
everyday i look at the sky and make a wish,,
but the wish i make is different,,

"Mr.Moon, i wish i could be stronger"
"Mr.Moon, i wish i don't cry anymore"

and everyday i told myself i'll be stronger,,
i promise to myself i won't let ppl hurt me anymore,
but im still too weak,,i wanna say like
i will not cry anymore,,but i know i can't

so..i'll just try to stronger bit by bit,,
i need to grow up,,i cant always let ppl hurt me,,
i'll face the truth,,i wont run away when i met him,
i'll smile even its fake,,i'll laugh even im not feel happy,

That what i learn from you ray..just "PRETEND"

But the only thing i won't do is hurting ppl,,
i wont hurting ppl,,and they can't hurt me aswell,,

Ray..you are the last one who can hurt me,,
i wont let anyone hurt me anymore....

and course its hard to make ppl understand how hurt in my mind,
Im just trying to smile like nothing wrong,,
But its still hard for me....

i wish my life could be better without you,
you hurt my body its really hurt,but oneday it'll be ok,,

But you ruined my heart,,its even more hurt,
my heart need a treatment,,
i dont know how long does it take..

But i will,,i will show you,,my life dont need you,,
oneday i will be very happy and being a good girls too,,

Oneday,,you might feel regret what you have done to me,
Oneday,,when ppl around you not there,,
Oneday,,when you realize that you become old and still got nth,,
Oneday,,u will know your parent cant always take care of you till you die,
Oneday,,when you realize that money is not everything,,

Oneday,,when you realize what is important in ur life and its already too late..
That day,,you will know what im trying to give you all along....

 

2008/Dec/03

 

 

 

i was grow up in a really good family,,
my mom and dad really love me,,they r work very hard,,
and they give me full of love from them,,
i know they r really tired b'coz of me,,even they work really hard
they still dont forget and have time for me,,
what i remember is,,since i was elementary school,,
every summer we will go to the beach together,,
and its happened every years,, till i was in jr.highschool
mom got new business and she have to move to other house,,
but still she back home every weekend,,
after a few years my dad retired and he decied to move to stay with mom,,
so from that time we normally c eachother like 4-5 times a month
i only stay with my sister in the big house,,
but i never feel lonely coz i think now i got freedom,,
coz my parent kinda strick,,i cant go out at night,cant back home late
cant stay over at my friend place,,bla bla bla
but i know they just worry about me,,and love me,

when i was highschool mobile phone is the new things,,
everyone hv that and it kinda expensive,,
i asked dad buy that for me,,and yea,,he bought that for me,,
and i always changed to the new and expensive one nearly every couple month,,

when i was in university,,my parent send me learn how to drive,,
and she bought me and my sister cars,,
they try to give us everything that other ppl have,
they dont want i feel shame that why friend have but i dont have,,
so,,when i got car im start going out at night,,
nearly everyday im out to drink or clubbing,,
they never know coz we not live together,,
when mom and dad back i always just stay home with them,,

after i enter to uni a couple month i got bf,,
but coz he is my 1st bf and we r pretty young,,
so that just like puppy love,,we most likely be just friend
and always hang out together like a years,,

i got partime job im my 1st yrs summer,,that my first time to work,,
i nearly quit the job from first day im work,,
but before im work ppl always said like
'oh i think atlease u cant work than 1 or 2 weeks'
coz i never work before,,and i think its really tired
but i want them know i cant make it,,
so i plan to work like a month,,
finally i could work till 9 month,,
and from that job i can understand how hard to work for money,,
so now i use money carefully then before...

after that i got a few bf,,i dont knw if i love them,,
yea,,i maybe love some of them,,
but i never sleep with them,,
i dun knw why maybe coz i still asked money from parent,,
and if i hv done that i might feel guilty to my parent,,
so,,all of my relationship end up as my last year in uni,,

i dont know how come i grow like this personality,,
i dont have any self-confident
im not dare to show off,,i always shy,,and scared of everything
my first year in uni i choose by senior to be cheer leader,,
i did go to practice but when the sport day nearly come i quit,,
when modeling asked me to be a model or sth like that,,
i always not dare to do that,,
i feel nerves when have to talk with stranger,,
or when i hv to show off in front of many ppl,,

im scared about height,,im scared of drive,,
when i finished driver class i cant drive to uni by myself
every morning i'll go pick my fds to go with me first,,

 

I like to dress up a beautifil dress,,

i like to put on make up,,i love fashion,

But i dont like when ppl look at me,,

its make me feel nerves...

and after i graduate from uni i decied to come to Australia,,
i start with language school,,that time i got many friend
and im really happy,,some ppl chasing me,,
i didnt go out with them,,

till the last month of my school,,
that time i dun hv many friend left in brisbane,only a few fds,,


i met ray,,af first im going to be just his friend,
i really think he can be a good friend,,we can hang out together,,
ye,,he asked me out so often,,and also all my fds so busy,,
im quite busy too,coz im work nearly everyday,,
but he always come pick me after work,,
we see eachother nearly everyday,,
,,i always out with him,,
i dont know if that make him start like me,,
oneday he asked me to be his girlfriend,,
im really confused,,i dont know wt to answer,,
coz i dont even know if i like him,,and i dont want to lost him as friend too,,
so i just laughing and said like r u kidding?
he said 'ye,,im serious you always busy and im always free,,
so i can meet u anytime you free'
i didnt reply him back,,but after we go mt,cootha
and after he take me too Natural park which is very beautiful place,,,
and that was the first time he hold my hand,,
i admit that i really want to get away his hand,,
coz i dun even know if i like him,,
and i dont like to hold ppl hand if they r not my bf,,
but if i do that to him it kinda rude,,so i just let he hold my hand,,
when i got home,,he txt me again and said to me like
'Hey,wt i said to u i was serious,would you be my gf?'
i really dun knw wt to answer,,coz i dun knw if i like him
but i dun wanna lost him too,,coz he treat me really good,,
i just told him i dun knw,,can u tell mr y u want me to be ur gf?
then he said "one i like you and we will find out together'
but im still confused so i asked him to give me a time,,
and he said he will wait,,and we still see each other nearly everyday
after a weeks we r being bf & gf,,he still treat me really good,,
he take me to everywhere i wanna go,,
he always asked me if im tired,hungry,sleeppy or wt i want to do,,
i was really belive wt he did for me is truth,,
i learnto give him back,,i give he everything as a girl can give to her bf

i dun knw when im start not out with my friend,
i dont know when im stuck with him,
everyday im just waiting to see and stay with him,,
like all my life need only him,,i dont know why,,
maybe because he is the first guy i hv serious relationship with,,
he is the only one i always c before sleep
and the first one i c when i woke up,,
i always feel happy when stay with him
just when i open my eyes and i saw him beside me,,
that can make me smile,,i got his name on everypage of my diary,,

till now,,before i think of myself i always think of him first,,
i learn how to make cookie,how to make pie,
coz i want to make it for him,,
he dont like sweet,,so i put less sugar,,
and everytimes he eat them its always make me smile,
when we have appointment i always think we'll have dinner together after like before
so im normally have only one meal a days,,
sometmes i didnt eat anything coz i expect to have with him,,
but after movie when i said im hungry he just said im not,,
and take me home,,so,,manytimes i didnt eat anythings for whole day
sometimes i stay in his room and i didnt eat anything,,
he just take me home at night and he order pizza to eat with his fds
after take me home,,but im just feel hungry in my room,,
so many times im crying and feel pity,,
but i just think like ppl must have feling
oneday he would feel what i have done for him,,
maybe i expect too much,,i want he to be the same,
i stand with him coz i wish oneday he could be better like before,,
i dont know to why i really love him,,
after he treat me really bad,,but i never love him less,,
i always still be the same,,hurting u never be in my mind,,

but you keep hurting me,,
you give me a really bad memories on my bday this year,
my bday this year i didnt do anything,,only crying,,
but ye,,i still love you,,im not angry at u even little,
all i can feel just hurt and upset,,

till the day before,,can you remember what you have done to me?
you slap my face,u squeeze my neck,,u punch my arms
my left arms got badly bruises,,and i feel hurt in m whold body,,
but i still not angry at you,,i still love you this much like before,,

i dont know why i just love you if thas really big fault?
why you have to give me like this hurt?

when i told you to stop hurting me,,
im crying and beg you dont hurt me,,im hurt like dying
but what you said to me is "just go die"

you broke my heart into pieces,
you gave me unforgettable deeply hurt,


i dont know when i can get over it,,
it might take long time,,
now i feel like dying,,but i still need to live on,,
for the one who love me,,i need to live on,,
everyday i still miss you,,still miss the day u were with me,,
every night before sleep im crying coz i miss you,,
every morning im crying coz i could'nt find you,,
i forgive you everything you have done to me,,
but i will not forget,,i'll remember you hurting forever
you are my absolutely boyfriend...

2008/Dec/02

i'm really hurt,,in my whole life this is the first time,,

this is my first time i let ppl hurt me like this,,

not only my heart , my feeling,,u even hurt my body,,

you broke my heart into pieces,,

i dont know how long will take me get better,,

i wont forget what you have done to me,,

and i wont forget how much i love you,,

i'll try to remember only the good things of you,,even it really hard to find,,

but yea,,my choice to choose you to be my bf,,maybe its all my fault

its all my faulf coz i was belive you,,and always belive that love is beautiful,,

but till now i still think like that way,,love for me still beautiful,,

just i choose the wrong person to give my love,,

my love never worth for him,,wt i hv done for him he never feel,,

im regret that im go out with you,,im regret that i belive you,,

but thank you,,you maybe make me stronger,,

from now on i wont let ppl hurt me anymore,,

noone can hurt me like u did

and i wont hurt other ppl too,,

oneday if u could know how that feels when you get hurt,,

u wont hurt other ppl too,,i wish you could feel it soon

otherwise oneday when you think back the person who will get hurt is you,,

and ye,,its too late to change anything,,you can just feel regret,,

you just a young man,,your life should learn more,,

i still love you,,but im really tired,,my heart, my body every part of me is tired,,

even i still want to be with you,,but now everything is broke,,

and nothing can be the same,,

i'll just remenber this big mistake in my life,,and i wont make it again,,

hoping you can learn somethings from this mistake too,,

maybe no,,coz u should learn how to feel first,,

i dun knw who make you being like this,,but belive me,,

everyone love you,,your friend love you

your mom, your dad, your brother, they are love you,,

and i love you too,,stop hurting ppl who love you,,

i dont want you to get hurt,,

i want you smile like the day when we just met

even thas just lied,,but that smile make me love you till now,,

i can still remember everythings about you,,

the day im really happy,,

the day im really hurt,,

everything will stay in my heart forever,,

i remenber the day we not talk too much but always happy,,

the day you take me to a really beautiful place i've ever see,,

the day we hold eachother hands and u never let me alone,,

the day we see movie,,my head on ur shouder,,and u hold my hand,,

the day i feel happy when i cook sth for you and u eat them all,,

the day we kiss the day we hug,,

the day i woke up and c u sleeping by myside always ,,

the day im crying,,the day im hurt,,

the day you broke my promise,,cant rmb how many times,,

they day you let me wait and you didnt come,,

the day you give me very bad memories on my 23th Bday,,

the day you shouted at me,,and hurt my feeling

the day you hit me and said to me 'just go die'

and now you broke my heart into pieces,,

i dun knw how long does it take,,i'll get better

but i'll try to be better bit by bit,,

now its time to open my eyes,,

im still crying everynight,,and morning when i wokeup,,

i still feel hurt,,but i wont get hurt more than this,,

now i promise to myself i wont let ppl hurt me like you did anymore,,

only you can hurt me...Ray....

edit @ 2 Dec 2008 11:50:25 by FeRn

2008/Nov/11

I don't know how can i stand with this hurt
you just killing me slowly,,
I dont know what should i do,,but i just cant lost you...
without you i just cant survive,,
i know i love with my eyes closing,,,
you bad...you aways shouted at me...
always say somethings hurt my feeling,,
always lied to me,,but i love you...
Ray...from the day im go out with u i never feel happy
my life isnt happy anymore,,i lost everything,,even you..
if i could have one wish..i wish i could back at that time
back to the time when i just know you,,
i wont give u a chance,,i need my life back..
i need to be happy,,Ray,,can u bring me back that smile?...
 
Ray,,i dont knw how can i make u be the same
im try to do everythings,,im tryin to b a good girls
or that's not enought? i do everything for you,,
 
i dun knw how can i let you hurt me like this hurt,,
i have live more than 20 yrs,,but in my whole life
i have ever feel like this hurt,,i dont knw how come?
 
i beg you,,stop hurting me la...
and i beg you,,dont leave me,,
seriously,,im going to die...
 
Ray,,,i never feel angry with u even one
i never hate you or think bad about you,,
all i can feel just upset and hurt,,
 
i hope oneday you can feel how much i love you
and what i hv done for you,,